Why is it everytime i type an entry it seems like no one reads them... it feels like im nothing in this world. yet i know i am a person among the many.... i try to find the sertain people to be around and i kind have found them but its hard because they live like 30 to 45 min away.... bummer pluse it sux cuz i dont have a car or a lisence... which is a need now a days.. im slowly getting sick of my job.... it ok but its not really for me... 

i have only told sertain people a sertain sercret that i have but i cant help it ne more..... I like both Girls and Guys.... There is sertain things in gurls that turn me on and there is things a guy dose that turns me on..... I know that to my mom i only like guys but i have no idea how to tell her that i like both guys and girls.... There are only sertain gurls that i get the feeling in my gut.... two of them know who they are but a few dont know.... If you think you maybe one of them or would like to know if ur one of them message me or comment and i will let you know..... 

I see that life now a days is hard but y dose it have to be soo bad... I just wish that i could just tell people things i want them to know... also i wish i could tell people the get the fuck over shit that need to get over but i cant... it bothers me like fuckin crazy.... 

sometimes in my life i think that i just have nothing left to contribute to this world any more..... and that i should no longer be here... i have thought of starting to cut myself again... but i just havent becuase i know there are ppl who will fuckin kill me if i did that... maybe i do want  them to kill me... i just dont want to be here ne more sometimes.... i just dont have effort to keep myself going ne more... i know im only 20 but still... i just hate being here with nothing to show for it...... i know bitchy thinking.... sry... but ya ... i hope that sometime in my life i get over this part of my life... 

i think that some of this may be from my parents divorce and also from what happend when my best friend moved away then having my heart broken by my first love... and then my second love and then he moved away tooo... i miss him soo much.. i sux that i have to live my life with out him..... well not comepletely with out him but still... concept....

I hope that maybe one day i could be with him again and it not i hope that i can talk to him once a week..... I know im acting like a baby..... But what ever... ok now i hope i can get over that huge Fuckin Mountin in my life

IT also sux to not find someone i can be with for the rest of my life..... Well i belive i found him but he lives in T.N.... all well

Well ok im gunna like go crash and try to sleeeep

Lattas

I dont know what to do..I have a Boyfriend but im not sure if i want to be with him.... he is sooo sweet.. he cares for me... he wants to be with me every second of the day... He wants to spoil me like crazy we like the same things i do .... we have so much in commen ... I dont know if i want to be with him.... I just have this feeling that the love of my life Janson is going to come back and maybe want me back.... I fel it in my gut... I love him soo much... I dont want to hurt ben but i dont know if i can do it.. i dont want to be with ben just because... i want to be with him cuz i love him but i dont know if i really do....... Liz help me plz.. i just need to talk to someone....... I dont know if i could decide betwee the two of them if janson were to come back and want to be with me.... so is so much more that janson could help me with... then ben... i dont want to hurt him but i think i should be single for a lot longer then i have been... i dont know... if you have any ideas let me know,,,


Im gunna go cry and try to sleep...


Latter

For some reason a friend of mine has not been talking to me like he usually dose.. i dont know what to do.. i miss him soo much.. I love him with all my heart and i know i will not have another chance with him again because he lives in TN... i dont think that he understands how i feel and how much i care for him. he never talks to me like he used to.. i miss that so much. i know he has new friends and all where he is now... and has new things going on.. but i would just like to hear from him maybe at the very least once a month..... i will be happy with that.. i just hope he calls me on my birthday... i hope.... im working like crazy and paying rent and all.. i wish i could get my phone turned back on but i cant..... so at somepoint im going to go to a place to talk to them about how much it will coast to get it turned back on..... back to the first delema... I wish that i could just talk to him right now.... it hurts to think that he dose not care for me ne more.... its kind of weird because he has two pics of him and i before his brother greg, sister Mariya, brother smitty and other sister sue..... in his pics.. under one of them it said me and my close close friend Sasa... and the other it says prom.. lol (aka rainbow ball)..... at somepoint in time i will tell him over the phone how i feel about him and hopefully he will  continue to talk to me........ I love him with every part of my being..... My body, my heart, my soul, my mind.... my EVERYTHING.... well im gunna go dwell in my sarrow... and tears 

peace

Sarah

Like Omg i have not been on hur for like a long time.. i need to like come on here more and write out my feelings and shit like i used too...  I will be comeing back now... so dont worry... like my life right now is sooo hectick

like im trying to come back to rainbow meetings and all that

im back with one of my ex's but i dont really know if i want to be...

I need to clean my room and finnish that cuz we have inspection on the 17th of may

im working alot

i still dont have my lisence and a car

i still dont have my cell turned back on

I dont know what service i should change to if i decide to

Im watching a weird movie

I would love to have some icecram

Im talkinhg to my ex boyfriends mother

i just made a myspace for a Paranormal Romance book club im in 

I also made a group for it tooo

I have feelings for someone but they dont know 

I dont know what i should do.....

I dont tell alot of ppl about it

I dont tell my mother either

She dose not know how iam

she thinks that i dont like sertain ppl when i do

I love Candles 

My birthday is in about a month

i will be 20

I hope i can do what i wanted to do

I hope we can go to six flags for my birthday

I cant wait till my friend Mariya comes home

I miss her soo much

I miss hanging with Sue

I miss hanging with Liz C

and i miss her...

Liz and i get along so well.....

She dose not know how she makes me feel

I dont know what to do



Well im off.... i will write again soon

I know i have not been on here in a long time... its just that i have been so busy with work and all and trying to save money for a car and a license.. its been hear... plus now i have to pay rent... 240 a month..

I just found out that my ex is getting married in 2010. im sad.. i still miss my Really good friend Janson... 

I got to see my friend Mariya.. it was good to see her ... i have not seen her in soo long... i miss her soo much.... 

I wish i had a guy in my life but i dont and it sux...... 

In a way i wish i was back with janson but i know that will never happen again.. 

Im going to help stacia clean her room...

I helped her with her daughters

I know i have not been to any rainbow meetings in a while.... its just that i have been so tired after work that i dont  want to go.. i miss going soo much...

i have learned my part for the initiation.. but all well

I hope that i can make it on saturday... i just need to know the time that it will be so if i need to switch with someone at work i can....

im just  a little stressed out right now cuz like i have no cell phone... i have to pay rent ......get my license and get a car...

my brother might have one for me but if i take it i will have to get a bunch of crap fixed on it that i may not have the money for

then i also wont have enough money to pay the insurence on the car too...

i kind of need to find another job..... 

I get like 8.24 an hour at iparty... but im not workin 40 hours a week eather...

i need to find an other job....

well if i get the car then i can get another job  maybe babysitting.....

that will be some good money for me....

then i can use that as my spending money and for the cell phone when i get it turned back on... plus

then i can use the iparty paycheck for rent and the car...... 

in a way i dont think that will work out... i dont kow

I need help with all of this........

Ummm i know i have not been on here in a long time.... i have been busy working.......... i love my job at Iparty..........on the 12th of it will be 2 months there for me.... i cant wait till it will be 3 months cuz then i believe i get benefits yay... i cant wait...


Ok back to my things i nees to do..................

~ Clean room
~ Put away cloths
~ Sort all christmas gifts
~ give mom pay stubs
~ Get my Licence
~ Get my licence for Cosmetology
~ put more money in the bank
~ Get ride of cloths i cant ware
~ Get socks
~ Buy new Hoodie
~ Get  a few more Christmas gifts
~ And a few more things............


omg my list is kind of long.... damn.... well going to bed nighty night